19 Spiritual Pain

Pure existence godbeing in my own awake space,
Self-existent traveler through the quantum cosmos,
Stirred awake as I dream, I know you are real!
Please hold me in place! Stand fast for me!

Winds are blowing! There is no lord.
The sky is troubled. I cannot sleep.
I grip my garments day and night.
No respite! No respite! God! Where are you?

No peace! No Peace! I am enraged!
I cannot grieve! You deny me that!
It does not matter if you exist.
Pain is pain when it grips the heart.

Hidden Dragon! Are you real?
Do you endure the raw truth, or do you only pretend?
Back off! I can do it! I want no help!
Though sinners devour me, I will stay the course!

Fire of Life! Fire of Life! Stand fast for me!
Fire of Life! Fire of Life! Stand fast for me!
Fire of Life! Fire of Life! Stand fast for me!

There is purpose to what you are suffering, but you will never find it in the veils of illusion that comprise your life. To live as an individual being who suffers, you must pretend that you are not an infinite being. That pretense is the essence of the human condition. You suffer from the pretense that makes you a sufferer.

Narrowing life down into personal experience is what the godbeing does to itself in order to explore its own condition; thus, its knowledge of life has no more certainty to it than does your human knowledge. But you don’t know this, do you? From this narrowed-down point of view, you have depended upon a belief about God to sustain your place in life. Some beneficent being, someone with great power and capacity for love, has nurtured you and is protecting you. But now that security is being shaken. Inside the question that has brought you to this prayer lies the realization that you cannot be sure of anything the mind creates. You are discovering that your beliefs about God are a defense against the raw, unadorned truth of your existence. What happens when you discover the absolute fires of creation and realize that there is no God there protecting you and that all along it has been you—that God is a fabrication, not of human intelligence, but of infinite intelligence in its awful contemplation of its own existence?

From your place in the veil, you have looked back to that first illusion as a comforting truth to be worshipped and called upon for guidance. And why not? It feels good to have its grace run through your veins. But shedding this illusion leaves you naked in godspace, requiring from you an endurance that can only be found within that which is so shattering to contemplate.

The truth of godspace is always exerting pressure on illusion. Go deep into this prayer and see for yourself! Climb down now to the roots of your pain and draw upon the godbeing to reconcile your human condition with the godless reality that you are being asked to accept. God both is and is not. In order to stand naked in your own truth, you have to accept the “is not” aspect of God with as much courage as you embrace the “is” aspect. The mind is your greatest enemy in this regard as it generates one defensive shield after another. These desperate thoughts are the sinners mentioned in this prayer. But there is hope if you fear being alone in the truth. Illusions about God do not shed themselves absolutely because they are necessary absolutely. The veil twists and turns as Hidden Dragon stirs eternally in its lair, but Hidden Dragon alone can bear its nakedness. Godbeings within godbeings within godbeings manage the “rest.”